Frustration

My success in my classes directly correlates to my attitude. It's something I have trouble hiding because my success depends on so much. If you haven't caught the wind, my math class is going poorly. Week after week, it's my same inability to do the homework: just this perpetual state of not understanding and red marks. A good friend confronted me about it today, and she said just be happy. I considered the words, chewed them like a piece of gum. The sweetness of the flavor just fades too fast.

I understand failure but failure, to this point, has usually been accompained with my lack of effort. However, no matter what extent of hourly work I put into this class, it's the same 70 average on the homework. Happy? No. B or C grades I can handle, it's happened. Take the math teacher Mahavier, who dampened my GPA and with that any scholarship chances last year. I'm not some overobsessing nerd concerned about GPA, after all I could settle with anything between 2.5-4.0. It's not like I enjoy calculating on and stressing over each quiz, each paper, each test, and each grade. If I could I'd be called Average Joe right now, easily enjoying the Animal House college my high school youth envisioned. But, there's more going on.

My unhappiness is that I may leave the school that I call "home". Corney? Yes. Call it what you will, but I've exhausted my resources, and next semester depends on the same scholarship that I was denied from a year ago. I have my chances, whatever they may be. But, I can't sit back and watch it all fade into black. If I can do anything, I have to do it, now. Because I can't imagine packing the boxes, tucking my labtop away. I can't imagine piling the books, the clothes, the boxes into my car, and driving off. Where would I go?