What's on the Mind?

There's a bit of hopelessness in all of this. There is a feeling that no matter what I do, I cannot change the circumstances of my life. Sure, I go to a great school and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the big city, small scale university. But, how do I get past this point? I cannot afford another semester here financially, and I can't see past the month of March. That big question of "where am I going?" plagues my mind. (I have no idea.) Even if I did transfer, would I enjoy it? Do I want to give up the degree from Emory? Maybe. I'm sure if you ask most students, the absurd work load becomes overwhelming and pointless at times. The institution just wants proof that a) you are intelligent enough to complete the work and b) competitive enough to perform as well as your peers. Sometimes I think I can do that much. Sometimes.

And there's still more that I don't see. I don't see my graduation from this place. I don't see the caps, the gowns, the folding chairs on the quad, or myself walking across the makeshift stage just in front of the Emory emblem donned podium. For four years, I envisioned graduating from high school, the freedom, the escape I had wanted for so long. I got it. But now, I can't picture anything beyond tomorrow. Everything I do, everything in the present moment has to be considered with so much detail, so much pressure, so much exactness. I don't see the end to the classes I am in now. To have some indication of my math grade or my biology grade would be grace, but both teachers seem to have an irritation. The first because I'm always in office hours barely understanding. The latter because she ignored, disregarded, and fired me from a job I so desperately needed. How do I come out of all this? Trying, still trying.

Sometimes though all you can see is a black abyss. Not the depressing kind, but just the presence of confusion and a lack of understanding. I have to settle with that for now. For if we knew all the answers, all the outcomes, why would there be life?