The Upside of Down Things

Recent events have shifted my melancholy mood to a, dare I say, happy bliss.

Although being fired and losing the SURE program weren't anticipated, I have an opportunity to work for University Conferences as a Conference Manager. What exactly is a Conference Manager you ask? I have no idea. But, I do know it guarantees free housing, free parking, free food, free laundry, a $2,500 stipend and did I mention free, free, free housing. Some individual and group interviews lay ahead, and I just have to wow the Conference Staff with some sharp clothes, articulate words, and constructive interactions. It's no labratory experiment leading to medical school or research, but it's one hell of a job that I could not get my hands on in Gulf Breeze, FL.

In the wide world of Greeks, Kappa Sigma elections were held this week. Our fraternity, started just over a year, has grown to more than fifty men who will be initiated this April 22, 2006. I was not able to join the first executive committee of the fraternity. Instead, I succeeded as our fraternity's first Rush Chair and managed to add seven to ten guys to our rag-tad group. Really, I applaud the brothers because they were the cajoulers in the great scheme of things. I just put pizza in the room. In any event, I ran for GM and GMC this semester, two of the five exec positions. I won GMC (Grand Master of Ceremonies) in what was said to be a heated and contested run-off. A little redemption to the last weeks that have been going so poorly in my life. If anything, I just want to represent the position well and continue to propel the fraternity to the unique and positive image we already have.

Above all, math class has turned around! Yes, the class is actually going well. Homeworks are manageable, doable. Less frustration (i.e. more sedatives and office hours) has allowed me to do well. The challenge is to simply maintain this academic standard until May, when this semester will end once and for all.

The past month feels like I've been running up the down escalator, unable to reach the top. I just realized the up escalator is around the corner. I'll go to it running full sprint and see how well do.

What's on the Mind?

There's a bit of hopelessness in all of this. There is a feeling that no matter what I do, I cannot change the circumstances of my life. Sure, I go to a great school and enjoy the hustle and bustle of the big city, small scale university. But, how do I get past this point? I cannot afford another semester here financially, and I can't see past the month of March. That big question of "where am I going?" plagues my mind. (I have no idea.) Even if I did transfer, would I enjoy it? Do I want to give up the degree from Emory? Maybe. I'm sure if you ask most students, the absurd work load becomes overwhelming and pointless at times. The institution just wants proof that a) you are intelligent enough to complete the work and b) competitive enough to perform as well as your peers. Sometimes I think I can do that much. Sometimes.

And there's still more that I don't see. I don't see my graduation from this place. I don't see the caps, the gowns, the folding chairs on the quad, or myself walking across the makeshift stage just in front of the Emory emblem donned podium. For four years, I envisioned graduating from high school, the freedom, the escape I had wanted for so long. I got it. But now, I can't picture anything beyond tomorrow. Everything I do, everything in the present moment has to be considered with so much detail, so much pressure, so much exactness. I don't see the end to the classes I am in now. To have some indication of my math grade or my biology grade would be grace, but both teachers seem to have an irritation. The first because I'm always in office hours barely understanding. The latter because she ignored, disregarded, and fired me from a job I so desperately needed. How do I come out of all this? Trying, still trying.

Sometimes though all you can see is a black abyss. Not the depressing kind, but just the presence of confusion and a lack of understanding. I have to settle with that for now. For if we knew all the answers, all the outcomes, why would there be life?

Fired

I was "let go" on Friday, March 10, 2006. I have never been fired from a job before. It feels like I've walked up the stairs and missed a familiar step. My stomach sinks. Meanwhile, my pride and reputation are discredited and destroyed by friendly workers who alienated me. Like the odd kid in kickball, they never spoke to me except to say, "You're out."

Frustration

My success in my classes directly correlates to my attitude. It's something I have trouble hiding because my success depends on so much. If you haven't caught the wind, my math class is going poorly. Week after week, it's my same inability to do the homework: just this perpetual state of not understanding and red marks. A good friend confronted me about it today, and she said just be happy. I considered the words, chewed them like a piece of gum. The sweetness of the flavor just fades too fast.

I understand failure but failure, to this point, has usually been accompained with my lack of effort. However, no matter what extent of hourly work I put into this class, it's the same 70 average on the homework. Happy? No. B or C grades I can handle, it's happened. Take the math teacher Mahavier, who dampened my GPA and with that any scholarship chances last year. I'm not some overobsessing nerd concerned about GPA, after all I could settle with anything between 2.5-4.0. It's not like I enjoy calculating on and stressing over each quiz, each paper, each test, and each grade. If I could I'd be called Average Joe right now, easily enjoying the Animal House college my high school youth envisioned. But, there's more going on.

My unhappiness is that I may leave the school that I call "home". Corney? Yes. Call it what you will, but I've exhausted my resources, and next semester depends on the same scholarship that I was denied from a year ago. I have my chances, whatever they may be. But, I can't sit back and watch it all fade into black. If I can do anything, I have to do it, now. Because I can't imagine packing the boxes, tucking my labtop away. I can't imagine piling the books, the clothes, the boxes into my car, and driving off. Where would I go?

Clock Walk

The following events occur on a Tuesday between the hours of 12:00 am and 12:00 pm.

Wake 9:30 am.
Shower 9:35-9:45.
Check E-mail 9:45-9:50.
Math Class 10:00-11:15.
Office Hours 11:15-11:45.
Check E-mail, attempt math problems 11:45-12:00.
Eat Lunch 12:10-12:35.
Biology Class 1:00-2:15.
Biology Lab 2:30-4:30.
Return to Dorm 4:45.
Check E-mail, read Poetry 4:45-5:20.
Chemistry Library 5:30-8:00.
(Regular Work Hours and checked Three Organic Chemistry Tests)
Dress up for Chapter 8:05-8:15.
Check E-mail 8:20.
KS Chapter 8:30-9:45.
Return to Dorm and Change 10:00.
Library trip 10:10-10:20.
Dooley's for dinner 10:30-12:00.

And Tuesday is gone like the Monday before it. I use Wednesday 12:30-12:35 am to write about it.

Somewhere Between "A" and "F"

I get this sinking feeling when I can't do my math homework. The numbers, the proofs, the tables usually sort themselves out for me, and I have been able to manage up to this point. However, abstract vector spaces is getting the best of me. I look at my sheet of homework and realize I have only completed two of the nine problems, which I should add are computational problems. The other seven problems are proofs which lead me jumbled in the math theory, the "if...then" statements, and the numerous corollaries. The homework stays unfinished, and I spend the week running to office hours to get anything out of my professor that might help me in my mission to complete it all before Thursday morning. I've cut it close every time.

Everything else, all the depressing feelings, all the inadequacies seep in with the undone math homework. The math major seems out of reach. It's the end of my sophomore year so starting a new major would be impossible considering the pre-med requirements I still have to fulfill. In the meantime, my GPA hangs in the balance. I'm trying to get scholarships and awards to stay here for another semester and with each red "X" on my homeworks and tests, my chances slip further and further away. So yeah, there's pressure. People say I have high standards, but I think it's the standards' fault. They are somewhere out in the Andromeda Galaxy, while I'm here, stuck on Earth. I won't stop trying though. It's not in my nature. Besides if I fail, at least I can say "I tried."